(2023)

I carry a metaphorical shell on my back
A safe space that I can retreat into
like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures I would play with in childhood
I always loved how, with the click of a button, their heads and limbs would swoosh back into
their shell’s safety
then with the same click, they could swoosh back out once the coast was clear
Donatello was always my favorite because he was a nerd like me
Academically gifted and inclined, with a love for science, technology, online communities
and learning about the world beyond the sewers they lived in
I searched for a similar community on SparkNotes after my father died, looking for fellow nerds
who understood me
I found them
We found each other

I recently revisited SparkNotes to see if the community was still going strong and it is, but
it’s full of new usernames and new topics of discussion, new youth
I’m grown now and my old username and the articles I wrote on SparkLife no longer exist
Those were some of my first ever published pieces of writing
I miss my SparkNotes friends and often wonder where they are and what they are up to
None of us exchanged actual contacts or real names, we only knew each other by our usernames,
but we talked about music, our lives, how misunderstood we felt, and how we all wished
we could all be physically together rather than dealing with the awkwardness of high school
popularity contests that none of us were good at
I hope they were able to find ways to thrive and embrace their nerdiness like I did in university
and onwards
I hope the world didn’t break them
Most of us struggled with our mental health
I hope they all found coping mechanisms and ways to manage like I eventually did, once
I stopped being active on SparkNotes after joining university

SparkNotes was my shell during high school
I was a snail plodding through my day-to-day life, looking forward to getting back home and
using the 500 shillings I had saved from buying something to eat at the tuck-shop
at school, walking to the internet cafe down the street, to log on and retreat back into the shell
My SparkNotes friends were always happy to see me commenting on the latest article that we
geeked out over
The comment threads and private messages became long correspondences about our lives with
no identifying information
Internet safety was paramount
Maintaining the sanctity of the shell was paramount

I remember one user reached out to me once because she was dealing with abuse at home
I was a metaphorical shoulder to lean on
I listened to her vent
I provided validation
Rumors started swirling about her and about how she was lying and had spread the same
information to various people on SparkNotes
I didn’t know if that was true or not
All I knew was she wanted someone to talk to
Like we all did
A place to be heard
A place to be understood
A place to escape our home and school lives
A shell to retreat into